Doubt.

Ya Allah, Ikhlaskanlah aku. What's wrong with my brain? Is there something wrong with my liver? It is the right thing to do, yes. But why i felt something wrong when i don't even get 1/10 from the pie? Its not like i'm asking for something heavy, just a small portion, just a bit, just a taste of sweetness to remove all this, disturbance, grudge, uneasiness. Why did i kept thinking bout this? There's so many unresolved matters, unanswered questions. Ya Allah, Ikhlaskanlah aku.

Dengan nama Allah yang Maha Pemurah Lagi Maha Mengasihani,

Katakanlah Dia adalah Allah, Maha Esa. Allah itu tempat pergantungan. Dia tidak beranak dan tidak diperanakkan. Dan Tiada setara denganNya, seorang pun.

I'm leaving you, you hurt me so bad

It has been long, our relationship had reach its climax. Today, March 22nd, 2011, i vow herewith, to let you go. And hopefully this time its for good. Yes, you never betray me, for the past years, but being attached to you, is wrong. Anyway, anyhow, its wrong. Yes, he makes me realize. I need to let you go because he is not attached with your kind, and i'm trying to be better than him. He knows everything that he do, he can change the world by doing nothing. I can do better, by starting to break up with you. Good bye, and i'm going to miss you, you are there when i'm in need. But happiness is not something that you find, its something you create. I want to create something else, minus you.

Sekali air bah, sekali pantai berubah

Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it.

She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.

Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.

Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot and ground coffee beans in the third pot.

He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter, moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.

After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.

Turning to her, he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?" "Potatoes, eggs and coffee," she hastily replied.

"Look closer", he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that they were soft.

He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.

"Father, what does this mean?" she asked.

He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-the boiling water. However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak.

The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard.

However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.

"Which one are you?" he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.

Which one are you? When problems come (and they will) how will we react? Will they make us weak, hard hearted or will they cause us to change into something worthwhile?

Life before dead

Goodbye my friend. Your turn has come. We, the one who still breathing, always say our prayers, you be safe on that side. Hopefully you are among His loyal servant. I know, you were expecting, or maybe, we’re just too busy to get you on our sight. Busy? No. We’re not. I’m not. I’m sorry. There’s a birds nest inside my head, a spider web maybe. How easy that I forgotten someone. How blind I am for not predicting that there is something wrong. You are special in a way. Everyone is. But knowing that you are leaving is really, not on the budget. This is an alarm, calling, it’s going to be, anytime, soon, as we grow older. Maybe, the entire plan would come to nothing, as He already decided to pull us off from this sphere. An annual activity on the planner, but His plan, won’t be postponed, wouldn’t be delayed or never can be rescheduled. Do I still have enough time? Do you? If not, forgive me when I’m wrong, sincerely, truly. We never know. When would these beat comes to an end. We never know. When would our sight shut off. We never know. When our time comes. Najmuddin. This is for you. Al-Fatihah

Identity

For all this 25 years of inhaling H2O, only now, I realize, I don’t have any. That’s the reasons why my surrounding easily being ignorance while i am or not around. Fuhh. I don’t have any. What am i thinking? I just tried to blend, assimilate. I’m poor in self-believe. What should I do? Get one? What I’m having now cannot be considered as one? Where should I find it? Its already 26 years coming June. Its far too late. I pick up piece by piece during this 25 already. What I take actually not mine. It doesn't fit. And now, I couldn't even drop a tear. Even worst come to worst, I just couldn't. Who took it from me, my tears? All I have is fire, that I put off since 17. Why is it light up again? Owh God, give me back what’s mine, if not, give a fresh one, an identity.

Dreaming

Its a habit maybe. Or its just me destined to be like that. Every now and then, my dreams vapors just like that, even how many times I try to create it. Maybe I need to be extra firm in making decision and taking risk. Or otherwise, I'll let more people stumping on my forehead and get past through me easily. I can be very pushy to others, asking them to bought me this and that, and yet, there is no togetherness involves, not at all. Maybe some. But this time, I really want this, let it be bankruptcy to my name soon, but i need to have this. Something, i think, i shared a common interest. The trigger is there, the target is locked, but the will to pulled it, to share the same commitment and liability wasn't like what is drafted. I need to take something new for a change. Alone. Better off, then being hold back with uncertainties. I want to wake up, i'm tired sleeping, before its evening, and my head spinning, I better get off and turns thing right.

Plastic

This "meat" doesn't taste anything. Everything taste, unusual. Why? Where's the sweetness? Where's saltiness? Where awesomeness? Is it been cooked by someone else? i don't recalled that. She's the same. But why it taste different? Maybe its a fake, fake meat, fake sugar, fake salt, or fake all of it. I can't taste anything. I forced myself to finished up. Not a regular me, who consume like a running river. But why is it so hard for me accept all this changes? My body feeling weird days and night. Its like been altered, been implanted with..I don't know. I just felt something is very wrong. Is my great cook don't want to prepare delicacy for anymore? Is it? Owh, she had another customer, whose filled with praises, good perfect lovely tidy looking, who appreciates her verbally, who treat her nicely the way she most deserves. Umm. Yes, its different, the way my body speaking, and the way his eye talking, his mouth praising. Why? After long years of loyalty, returning back without any questions, accepting without ever complaining. Yet, maybe its not enough. Its never enough. Because the world is growing, growing old, same goes to needs, the world is just not enough. If its not end this time around, there will be another bloodshed, another heartbreak. Should i knocking on the next door? I won't. I'm just going to kill if i went. I'll just stay. Waiting outside. Hopefully my lovely cook will remember me. Just to be remembered. I hope I can taste great meat again and not plastic.